'Air I Breathe Poster' Is So Deep
A butterfly resting on a handgun. Such a jarring combination of beauty and violence; so deep. Nearly as meaningful as a gazelle perched on a nuclear silo, or a breast plopped next to a land mine. Well done, The Air I Breathe, in hiding your convoluted plot of Crash-meets-Next behind the steadfast mask of rap video symbolism.
The Official MySpace page for The Air I Breathe [official site]
'Hancock' Explores Hobo/Hero Duality
You can tell Will Smith is a superhero because he has the gold-tinged reflection of a metropolis in his goggles, just like the old Spider-Man posters. And you can tell he's homeless because he's filthy and unshaven, like all bums.
Hancock Poster [IMPA]
'Horton Hears a Who' Creepy Character Posters
Have you ever dreamt of seeing Paul Dano's character from Little Miss Sunshine reimagined as a creepy Muppet thing? This and many more Horton Hears a Who-related prayers have been answered, under the cut.
Continue Reading "AM Poster Post: 'Horton Hears a Who' Creepy Character Posters"
'You Don't Mess With the Zohan' Bursts with Comedy
Sometimes a movie is so engorged with raw comedy that it transcends its own wallpaper-style poster, bursting through it with hilarious props, the gut-bustingly funny yet critical, uneven eyebrows of The Rock, and Adam Sandler. So much hilarity simply can't be held within the thickness of a sheet of glossy paper, and Sandler dares you to stare down the glowing, strangely-cordless barrel of comedy. Will you dare? Warning: daring will cost you around $11, and provides about the same level of fulfillment as a saltine.
'Untraceable' Cyber Poster Cyber!
Haven't we moved past the point of anything with the term "cyber" being scarier? You'd think so. It's been over a decade since The Net, and that was already completely ludicrous when it came out; people are now using the internet for countless aspects of their daily lives; and if Dateline is giving an accurate account of the situation, "cyber criminals" are either, a) sad sacks looking to give adolescents a Mike's Hard Lemonade and a good time, or b) Nigerian. Neither are really that threatening if you aren't twelve or in Nigeria. Only my grandma will be frightened by the image of a mouse clicking a human face. (Though, admittedly, she will be very, very frightened.)
Untraceable Poste [IMPA]
'Speed Racer' at Groin Level
From the creators of The Matrix trilogy comes another unbelievable world full of guys plastered in leather and latex, but this time it's also sort of like a bleary-eyed look at a Christmas Tree.
Speed Racer Poster! [JoBlo]
'Meet the Spartans' Sticks it to Movies/Celebrities with Lame References
From the pointless trailer, we knew that Meet the Spartans was set to continue down the same tired path of Scary Movie and Epic Movie, squeezing as many random recent movie and pop culture references together as possible into 90 minutes and hoping someone laughs. But aside from 300, Stomp the Yard, and something about Britney Spears, the trailer provided few examples of just who would be on the receiving end of the comedy skewer. Thankfully, this poster corrects that.
Dane Cook-guy doing a hand gesture? Haha, guilty as charged! Dane Cook does do that! What if Shrek was a baby, and Spider-man was a woman? That might be funny, right? How about if a Spartan mock-raped Paris Hilton, and she has an inexplicable giant mutated hand? Hilarious. And I'm not sure if that's meant to be Sanjaya or a singing Yahoo Serious, but he has big hair, and that's definitely funny. Thank god there's straw laid out for when I shit the ground laughing.
Meet the Spartans Poster [IMPA]
'The Dark Knight' International Poster
Sometimes, when he gets too caught up with crime-fighting, Batman forgets that in addition to being Gotham's premiere superhero, he's also really fucking rich. That's when he takes a deep breath, climbs to the top of the 200-story building he owns, and looks down at all the assholes who can't afford bulletproof Batman suits.
Thanks for the tip, Andy.
The Dark Knight Poster [Omelete]
'Harold and Kumar 2' Understands Homonyms
See, in the first one, they were smoking joints. When it say they're running from the "joint", this time it's referring to prison, slangily referred to as "the joint" in some cultures. I knew there was inherent comedy lying within homonyms, but it took the Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay poster to prove it.
But I have to wonder, why not a shot of them in the airplane scene, with the tagline, "They've never been higher"? Or maybe "After torture, it's time to turn over a new leaf"? Is a word balloon saying "Weed rather not be waterboarded" too much?
Harold and Kumar 2 Poster [Worst Previews]
'Jumper' Poster is Shiny, Leather
Jumper: It's like The Matrix, only the jackets are covered in Carmen Sandiego clues.
New Jumper Poster [JoBlo]
'Indiana Jones and the Skull Thing' Poster
Like the Star Wars prequel posters before it, the new poster for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull brings us back to the glory of the first trilogy with this evocative painted image. Nice of them to remind us of those classics before we start saying how much worse this will be.
I can't decide if I would like it more or less if Shia was poking his head out of an eye socket, giving a thumbs up or something.
New 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull' Poster [Cinematical]
'In Bruges' Poster
Wait, gangsters are fighting in Bruges!? That would be so significant if I weren't a stupid American, and knew that Bruges is an idyllic tourist city in Northern Belgium.
In Bruges Poster [IMPA]
'The Dark Knight' Poster
I think, in superhero language, this is equivalent to Joker + Batman, written in a heart, carved in the side of an old oak tree. But maybe it's meant to be more threatening than that.
PS: If you go here and click on the joker cards, one will open a high-res version of the poster, and the other will open a window to register for tickets to a showing, presumably of Joker's first heist.
'First Sunday' Isn't What You'd Think
Yes, this is the first I've heard of this movie. And, no, it's somehow not another chapter of the Friday series.
First Sunday Poster [IMPA]
'Hellboy 2' Liz Theater Display
Next time you're at the theater, let the haunting, ever-watchful eyes of Ms. Selma Blair remind you to see Hellboy II: The Golden Army next July, and to pick up smoking. What could one puff hurt?
"Liz Sherman" Theater Lobby Display [Official Hellboy II Site]
'Walk Hard' For Your Consideration, Again
The Walk Hard Oscar campaign has made a smooth transition from the first Variety ad, a middle finger in the face laced with dick jokes, to this new one, the belligerent shouting of a crazed braggart. It seems the series is following the theme of a night out drinking with me. Keeping with this pattern, the next ad should either be inappropriate amorousness or something about being passed out and naked in a Shell station toilet.
For Your Consideration [Defamer]
'Alien vs. Predator: Requiem' Japanese Style
I know the Japanese have bested us in consumer electronics, video games, math and science skills, and animated portrayals of sex with tentacles, but movie posters? I'm afraid so. This stylized, splattered silhouette is so much cooler than our version that it's hard to believe this is the same culture that brought us the chocolate-dipped cardboard known as Pocky and a renewed interest in unwarranted public groping.
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem Poster [Filmz.ru]
'Solomon Kane' Teaser
I'm not sure if this is meant to look more like a Highlander sequel, a time-traveling version of The Punisher, or the muddled, last-minute Halloween costume, "Elvira Zorro," but I do like that they've lit it with a single spotlight, letting us know up front that this will have the same production values as a high school play.
Solomon Kane Poster [The Movie Blog]
'The Great Debaters' is Totally Inspirational
If that rich, golden hue of morning sun splashing across the face of Mr. Denzel Washington looks familiar, it's because that's the same soft dewdrop of sunlight seen in the poster to Remember the Titans. It is a special ray of sunshine that only comes out when Denzel is being inspirational, and will only kiss his delicate face. It's God's way of saying, "Hey, D-Dubs, keep making mediocre movies that make people feel good in a very generic, unspecific way."
Handsomeness to the over-40 crowd is next to godliness, as they say.
'The Great Debaters' Poster Premiere! [Cinematical]
'Mad Money' Poster = $$$
I think their hope is that women will think this is an all-female production of The Matrix, but more like a game show, and with shopping.
Mad Money Poster [IMPA]
'Wall-E' is Cute, Predatorial
It's interesting how, knowing Wall-E is Pixar's latest outright attack at dominating your child's mind, heart, and Underoos with overwhelmingly adorable characters, this image of the titular character looks cute and unassuming. Whereas, say it came with the tagline "Sexual predation has a new face... and it's made of metal," the robot suddenly expresses a new look of desperate wanting and confused lust that reaches out of the screen and finds your child on the playground, grabbing him or her with his powerful pincer grip.
At least I think it's interesting.
WALL.E Poster [IGN]
'Get Smart' Has Carell Hair-Lipped
Hey, if I were Steve Carell, I wouldn't mind Anne Hathaway's photoshopped hair in my face, either! Pubic hair, that is! Booyah! Particularly if, like in this poster, it's only the head of Anne Hathaway pasted on an unreasonably smaller body.
'Get Smart' Poster Premiere [Cinematical]
'Kit Kittredge: An American Girl' (and Reporter)
I love these things like American Girl and Nancy Drew where the appeal is that they're pretty young girls, but also hold serious adult jobs. The only thing is, I think they're really limiting themselves with so many ten-year-old ace detectives and star reporters. Why not Kit Kittredge: Steel Worker? Kit Kittredge: Political Assassin? Kit Kittredge: World War I Doughboy? Or, if they're really trying to sell it to a young girl audience, why not just make up careers that cater to them? Kit Kittredge: Professional Pony Collector. Or Kit Kittredge: Cures Cancer with Rainbows. Any of these would be better than another reporter.
'Strange Wilderness' is Future of Comedy Posters
For the last few years, it has been thought that the only way to effectively communicate that your movie is a comedy is with a white poster and giant, goofy red lettering (like this one). The white emptiness suggests you are in a void where anything could happen (such as hilarity) and the rules of Earth do not apply (granting the ability for one actor may play multiple parts, with fat suits). There is nothing to remind you of the woes of this world, only the comedy ahead, in the white vacuum of laughter.
That's why it's even funnier when we see the wacky red letters! Where did those come from?! That bold type and close kerning just screams comedy, nearly as much as the Comic Sans I always use in my community newsletters. If the scarlet letter from The Scarlet Letter looked anything like this, I bet adultery was hilarious.
But now a new contender is rising: subjects over a disgusting green with a diffused spotlight. First seen in Knocked Up, the solid nothingness of the background takes our mind straight to the comedy abyss, while the spotlight says, "Hey! Look here! Look at these funny faces! Ignore that this appears to be an '80s teen comedy, and has the Mac hipster everyone hates! Be blinded by the harsh light of forced humor!"
Strang Wilderness Poster [Yahoo!]
'Rambo' Loves Stencil Graffiti
You know what's "hot" right now, and will really connect Rambo to these kids today? Street art! People love the pseudo-political spraypainted artwork of Banksy! They'll surely transfer that love to an aging action star after seeing him in such a form, like an muscular, grunting Che! Right?
Rambo Poster [IMPA]
'Awake' Poster has Awoken
Awake is about a guy waking up from his anesthesia during surgery, where he overhears the surgeons are plotting to kill him. So why does this poster, with a shaft of dramatic light illuminating the giant heads of Alba and Christensen, look so much like an alien abduction movie?
A better poster would be the Operation game board--that guy was always awake during surgery--with Hayden Christensen's head on it. And his red nose is lit up, and on it says "SURGEON MURDERERS ATTACKING ME!" I think that would really get the point across.
'Awake' Poster Premiere! [Cinematical]
'Borderland' Not About Illegal Immigration
This poster for Borderland, part of this year's After Dark Horrorfest, tells me one of two things. One possibility is that Borderland has some pious girls with pupil-less ram heads, which would be really terrifying. The other possibility is that there is absolutely nothing scary in Borderland, so as a last-ditch effort they turned to the tried-and-true horror standby of a human with an animal head.
I suppose it's better than the other option, the meager boast of "starring Boy Meets World heartthrob Rider Strong!"
Second Poster for 'Borderland' [Bloody Disgusting]
'Beowulf' Bewildered by Flame
Even though I was forced to bore myself through Beowulf in high school, then again in college, I'll definitely have to check out this version now that I'm reminded it stars these frightening, soulless near-humanoids. I forgot how much better a tired, centuries-old epic can seem when, rather than actual actors, precise computer-replicas of those actors are used to act out the same scenes with their jarring, emotionless eyes. Technology has come so far.
Final Beowulf Poster [IMPA]
'The Orphanage' is Pure Parentless Terror
I'll be the first to admit the little freaks in Children of the Corn scared the hell out of me as a kid, and those ghostly kids in the Japanese Grudge at least made me jump, but seriously, ghost orphans? Isn't this a step down?
I was already stretching to be scared of kids--even ghost children can be shaken to death, I think--but orphans? The only orphans I've ever known are either frail (Tiny Tim) or pleasantly musical (Annie), and both would be easy to throttle into submission.
I've heard this is good... but, come on, orphans? I can't decide what the next step should be: ghost kids in wheelchairs or ghost abortions?
'Tekken' Starts with a 'T'!
If you were an adolescent in the mid-'90s, no doubt you spent endless hours playing the 3-D fighting game Tekken--unless you were more into Virtua Fighter or building socialization skills, or, like me, were too caught up exploring your newly-developing body.
Anyway, despite the warning to never make a fighting game movie that was screamed from Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat movies, they're doing it anyway.
At least they're finally answering the lingering question of how the letter 'T' stands up so well in a field. It turns out there's some sort of support beam behind it.
Tekken Poster [ComingSoon]
'Conan' Teaser Poster
This new Conan movie is bound to be good. Not only are they staying more faithful to Robert E. Howard's original creation, they're using Schwarzenegger's torso from 1980!
New Conan Teaser Poster! [ComingSoon]
'Juno' Great for Pregnancy Fetishists
I can't believe I used to fear getting a girl pregnant in high school, when it turns out it's a really quirky, indie thing to do. As seen here, a child growing inside a young womb can bring about such things as Arrested Development's Michael Cera, cute hand lettering, and praise from Roger Ebert. And if you get her preggers enough, I've heard indie music even plays and things go slow motion.
Juno Poster [IMPA]
'The Bucket List' Captures Special Moment
It's a beautiful but tragic thing to capture the exact moment when someone exits the realm of legitimate acting and joins the ranks of old guys just being old, but it appears they've done it with this poster. Like the posters for Grumpy/Grumpier Old Men and Secondhand Lions, The Bucket List has no qualms about selling this film based entirely around the idea that once-respected actors are now very old, and probably dying.
Won't it be fun to see how old Jack Nicolson is, and how he interacts with another old man, Morgan Freeman? And it's only compounded by the fact that the plot of the film is based around doing certain things before you die. Jack must have an item on his own bucket list that says, "Make feel-good comedy where I play myself, a man becoming increasingly evil-looking and genderless with age."
The Bucket List One-Sheet [CanMag]
'Cassandra's Dream' is Handsomely Contemplative
In this self-dubbed chilling drama from Woody Allen, the director hopes to answer the lingering question of which country has the more pensive handsome leading actor: Ireland or Scotland? At first glance, I'd think Farrell is representing the more pensive look with his slight lip pout, but imagine if McGregor is holding a cup of coffee in his shot, out of view. That kind of subtlety is exactly what separates good pensiveness from bad wistfulness.
Cassandra's Dream Poster [IMPA]
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